Tomorrow is my ninetieth work day at the post office. This means that 1. It will be much more difficult for them to fire me if they so wish and 2. I will get a uniform allowance. I realized today that after this many days of working, I finally walk to the correct side of the mail truck to enter it now. Unfortunately, I now walk to the incorrect side of the Jeep or car when I'm not working. I have even gone as far as hopping into the passenger seat, buckling my safety belt and getting utterly confused when I tried to put the key in the ignition and realized there was not even a steering wheel there. And then I looked out the window to see Kenny standing there laughing at me. Laugh it up, husband. But I am watching you.
Another thing I've done (but only once): On my drive home from work, on a gravel road, a mailbox flag was up. Without thinking, I pulled over to retrieve the mail. It didn't take long to realize that I was on the wrong side of the vehicle. Okay, in the wrong vehicle altogether. And not on the clock. I quickly pulled away, hoping that nobody saw me.
And that's it for work stories. But here's a great I-Finally-Got-A-Saturday-Off story. We got my sister married. We sure did. It was the most fun I've had on a Saturday this whole year. I gave a speech without making a huge ass of myself (I think) and though I must have drank at least thirty beers, I woke up the next morning hangover-free. I love my sister. I love weddings. And from here on out, we will share an anniversary. And Mae was quite happy that so many people showed up for her birthday. I could tell you how much fun she had, but instead, I'll just let this photo tell you:
Cake face = a good time. That's just that. And beyond that, she got to dance for hours with glowing bracelets around her ankles, the lemonade was bottomless and the cousins were plentiful.
The next day, Mae took her birthday earnings on a shopping trip. She has been wanting a chair for quite some time now. But not just any chair. A chair made of bungee cords. It. Is. Awesome. She has already said, more than once, "I should have bought two chairs because EVERYBODY'S sitting in it and I never get to!" We all want chairs made out of bungee cords now. It's like sitting on a trampoline sized perfectly to fit your ass. If you don't believe me, stop everything you're doing right now and run to the nearest Target to try one out. You will not regret it.
My farewell words for today are: If you like your mail carrier, turn your sprinkler on. If you REALLY like your mail carrier, leave a cold bottle of water in your mailbox for them. In case you haven't noticed, it is HOT outside.
Last Thursday, it rained. No, not rained...it poured. But it was okay at first because I was prepared. For the duration of the twenty-minute morning downpour, I had put on rubber shoe coverings, a raincoat and a baseball cap. I ran from porch to porch when the rain died briefly so that I felt like I was still working. At the end of it, I was drenched from my waist to my ankles, but nothing I couldn't live with.
Fast-forward to early afternoon. I'd just finished eating lunch and I was sitting in my truck and shivering. I was cold (in August!). The sun came out and I drew in a deep breath and decided right then and there that the afternoon was going to be much better than the morning. After stripping myself of my rain gear (because the sun was now out, remember?) I hopped out of my truck, grabbed my load of mail and took off, determined to walk fast enough to warm up. And I did just that. When I was as far away from my mail truck as possible and my attitude was really taking a turn for the best, I saw three large raindrops fall onto the pavement in front of me. And in the very next second, it was pouring again and the wind was blowing.
I ran to the nearest house but there was no covered porch. In fact, there were no covered porches on the entire block. There was, however, a small overhang above the front door and I quickly learned that if I butted myself up against the door, very little rain was reaching me. For the next minute, I watched the streets begin to flood and rain started hitting me sideways from the wind. Just as I was feeling thankful that there were no cars in the driveway, a loud knock startled me from behind. I turned around to see a man holding both hands to his chest and mouthing, "You. Scared. Me!" He cracked the door open and I apologized profusely and handed him his mail. I asked if it would be okay if I just stayed there until the rain died down and he said that would be fine. He wished me good luck and shut the door. Thirty seconds later, another knock. I turned around and he cracked the door open, this time to say, "Just checked the radar and looks like this should pass quickly. Hang in there!" He gave me a thumbs-up before shutting the door again. This is when I looked across the street and noticed a man standing in his open garage and staring at me. He had both hands on his hips and when he noticed me noticing him, he slowly extended his left arm to press the button which shut the garage door. He replaced his left hand onto his hip and watched me as the door shut right in front of him. So there I stood, windy rain whipping me in the face and I was laughing hysterically at just how strange the world is (or mostly, the people), and I decided it screw it and I just went walking in the rain. And that was that. It took two full days before my shoes dried completely.
And yesterday: In the neighborhood where everybody calls me sweetie and hon, I was happily eating the heads off of my gummy bears on my lunch break, not a worry in the world, when I scanned the neighborhood. This has become habit. I do it everywhere. We were trained to "look ahead". We look for unleashed dogs, construction work being done; pretty much anything that might slow us down or get in our way. So I do this everywhere now. Even on my lunch break. And in this lunchtime scan, I noticed a woman sitting on her front porch, just staring at me. Except not staring, glaring. I had no idea why. I looked behind me, thinking maybe she was just looking at something else and I was mistaken, but all I could see was an empty street and a lonely tree. I moved my head back and forth and her eyes were following me. And that look, it was terrible. I'm not foolish enough to drive into a neighborhood, park my truck and eat lunch before delivering the mail. That would just be selfish. So she already had her mail and I even remembered exactly what I delivered: no bills and nothing with a name that wasn't familiar. I knew it was right. So why was she staring at me like this? And then I decided that I knew how to fix this problem. I buckled my seat belt, started my truck and drove exactly one block north and re-parked to finish my lunch. I was fine knowing she could glare at the back of my truck, but please don't watch me eat my gummy bears. That's just getting too personal.
Our internet quit working for no reason a whole week ago. Well, I guess there was a reason and that reason was the modem (the one I just bought). So today, the new modem came in the mail and we are once again in sync with the world. But here's what you missed in the life of Bigley over the past eight days:
-At Valentino's on Tuesday nights, kids eat free. Last Tuesday, we were seated at our table and the waitress asked the children, "And how old are you kids?" Kyler replied, "Ten." Mae said, "Eight." And Kenny, the most excited kid of all, beamed, "Thirty-three!" He just loves food and tends to lose his composure when surrounded by it.
-For the first and second times in the life of postal me, garage doors opened right next to me to reveal empty garages. Both times, the doors were opened via remote by people just coming home. The first woman apologized profusely for scaring me. But the second, a man, laughed for an inappropriately long time while pointing and saying, "You should have seen your face!!!" Yeah, very funny. And in my own defense, I only jumped away so quickly because I was worried that a car would soon be backing out right over me, thus turning me into a pancake.
-I brought donuts home for the kids to surprise them after Kenny told me they'd been good little boogers all day. Kyler immediately began searching for "his" donut. I asked what he meant by "his" donut and he said, "You know, the ones I like? With barbarian cream?"
-We have a new family member: Lucky the kitten. The kids saved her from drowning in our yard during last Monday's monsoon. Actually, they saved five, but mama kitty took all but one back the next night. So Lucky no longer has to battle the outdoor weather or predators. Instead, she is ruling the house with her constant meowing and need for food. She is pretty much exactly like a human baby, except smaller and more hairy. Mae is constantly complaining of the cat scratching her in the "elbowpit." And this tiny little kitten has all of the other animals wrapped around her little finger, except for Sadie-kitty, who is still trying to decide the most precise way to swallow a kitten whole. I'm certain of it.
And today's heavy mail has completely exhausted me so I am off to happy, dreamy sleep-time now.
