Another day, another dog.

Still no Teeyl, but the search continues.  I just keep remembering the cat we had when I was a small child.  We moved away and couldn't find the cat so we left it behind.  Years later, it showed up at our new house.  I've always wondered about the adventures that 'Firecracker' endured in that time.  I'm hoping Teeyl is on a great adventure right now.  

Tomorrow will shut out week two on the job and today I caught myself constantly hiking up my pants.  I asked my boss if they didn't give us a uniform allowance for ninety days because everybody loses so much weight in that time and she laughed and said, "I've never thought about that...makes sense."  Sure does.  The big thing that happened at work today is that I sprayed my first dog.  It's the same dog that has been after me since day one.  I made it all the way to the mailbox and I swear to you, the dog jumped out of the bushes at me, as if it was just waiting for me.  Typically, it tries to attack me when I'm just stepping onto the property and I have learned that if I just stay in the street, it won't leave its yard.  But since I was fully in the yard already, I had no choice.  It was coming at me quickly, growling and showing its teeth as it did and I sprayed at it once, which only slowed it down.  It came at me with a vengeance the second time so I sprayed it more and it stopped.  Just then, I heard a very loud bark from behind me so I turned around and there was a very large dog.  I'd never seen this dog before so I was unsure of how to react, but it barked and jumped around in almost the exact same way as Teeyl does when she's excited to see somebody so I just walked away and it left me alone.  I was glad I didn't have to spray the big dog, too, and of course I feel guilty for spraying the little one.  I'm just hoping that tomorrow, I won't be forced into this situation again.  What really irks me is that the owners of this dog will let it out when they see me coming up their sidewalk and once, the male owner just stood on the porch and watched his dog trying to attack me and did nothing about it.  I told him, "Thanks!" and he just stared at me blankly.  It's owners like this that ruin it for all others.  I am very thankful for people like the man I met today who had left his dog tied out right in front of the mailbox.  Of course, I planned to just skip this house, but instead, he came outside and introduced me to his dog, thus making all future visits to his mailbox less stressful for both me and the dog.  See, we are friends now.  'Annie' no longer feels threatened by me and vice versa.  This is a good thing to remember if you have a dog and a mail carrier.  

Kenny continues to keep the house clean and orderly and I can't think of a single thing that needs repaired as he is always home, keeping up with everything.  I've decided that society has it all wrong.  All of these years, the term 'housewife' should really have been 'househusband'.  Or maybe it only works in our relationship, but I am loving coming home after a hard day's work to a fully cooked meal and a cold beer.  And in writing this, I just realized that I might be the real-life version of Homer Simpson, just with more hair and less belly.  And with that thought, I think I'll go crack open another cold one and stick crayons up my nose.

Week Two...Boo.

Week two is fully upon me and this is rough stuff.  My everything is sore and I have exactly six blisters scattered across my toes, but alas, my new shoes arrived in the mail today and I just can't wait to try them out.  I still think this is the best job ever, just not the best week in the best job ever.  I have, however, managed to make friends with most of the dogs that wanted only to kill me last week.  And I just can't say enough about my co-workers.  I really didn't know that so many wonderful people could be contained in one place.  Each and every one of them brings something great to the table and they've not only answered every single question I've asked of them, but they seem happy to help me and go out of their way to do so.  I've never felt so welcomed to a new job and it makes all of my aches and pains seem a little less.

On the home front:  We are missing a dog.  The kids went out to feed the dogs two days ago and didn't shut the gate tight.  The dogs escaped and we weren't too worried because this happens often.  But then they didn't come home.  Artie showed up the next morning, looking worn out and worried, but no Teeyl.  We've searched high and low and called humane societies in all surrounding areas but no Teeyl.  I don't know where else to look, but I am fully open to suggestions.  Kyler randomly steps out the back door, calls for his dog, then comes back inside all teary-eyed and unable to speak.  

I think this is all I have to report.  I'm too tired to think and as you can plainly see, this is not the best week we've ever had (nor the worst, but I truly prefer 'best weeks').  I'm sure that next week will be better.

Work and play and sleep and work and play and sleep.

Today was my fourth day on the job and I must say, this job seems as if it was made for me.  Or at least, made for future me...the me who doesn't have blistered toes or sore legs.  I suppose my point of view might drastically change in the next few weeks but so far, so wonderfully good.  

I did an entire route all by myself today.  There were small frustrations along the way; backtracking and dogs that want to eat me.  But in the early afternoon, after my belly was filled with lunch and I was at the beginning of my second wind, I thought that this just might be the best job in the whole world.  Walking around, alone with my thoughts, sun shining on my face and random residents coming outside just to chat with me.  Nobody is breathing down my neck. There are no weekly meetings or daily emails about procedural changes.  I simply deliver the mail and if I can do that in a timely manner without complaining, I'm good.  And I'm exactly that right now: GOOD.  I'm doing a service that people mostly love.  If you could see the residents at the retirement home gather around me when I show up, hope and happiness in their eyes, you might just reconsider your own job.  

Kenny cleaned the whole house today and had supper ready when I returned home.  He is currently taking a nap.  So are both of the kids.  I guess the last day of school was just too much for all of them to handle, but I am not complaining as Mae's softball game will run pretty late and I do not like sitting with grumpy kids (Kenny included).  I simply can't believe that I am now the mother of a fifth grader and a fourth grader. The time, it is a-flyin'.  


And besides that, I don't have anything new to report.  Aside from work, I have been sleeping ten or more hours each night.  This is the best sleep I've ever had.  Walking all day long makes a body tired.  And as for the hours in between work and sleep...the kids pretty much have it covered with their baseball/softball games/practices.  All in all, life is great right now and it just better stay that way.  

A bag of wheat.

The weekend has just flown on by again.  Friday's training was great.  I actually loved it.  When it was time for our practice drive, I cruised right on through it without error.  My instructor said, "Well, we're done twenty minutes early.  That's never happened to me.  I've never had anybody jump in and drive the speed limit like they own the truck."  After inquiring to make sure, I learned that this was a compliment.  Go me!

It is so, so, SO good to be home!  I pulled into the driveway just as Kenny was finishing mowing the lawn.  The house was fairly clean and intact and both kids survived the week without me (well, mostly without me).  

Last night, we were all sitting around on the couches, eating popcorn and watching 'Cops'.  In this episode, as in every episode, a man was pulled over and the policemen pulled a bag of drugs out and threw it onto the hood of the car.  I couldn't tell exactly what it was, so I inquired aloud, "What's that?"  This inquiry was really directed toward Kenny, but Mae jumped in to answer, "It's probably a bag of wheat, Mom.  That's what they usually find."  You've just gotta love the innocence of a child!!

Kenny and Kyler have already been pacing around the windows and doors, getting excited about the upcoming storms.  I shall now join in on the storm-watching fun.

All done.

Alas, training is completed.  As long as I don't wreck the LLV into anything tomorrow, I hope to return home with a license to drive and a will to get started working extremely hard.  I laughed too loud today when yet another instructor walked into our classroom, took a deep breath and said, "Your lives are about to SUCK."  So yesterday's blog post still stands.  

They have told us some things over and over.  Safety is our number one priority.  Say that to yourself one-thousand times and that's at least how many times I've heard it over the last four days.  Other interesting facts: the average postal employee is 51 years old.  Nearly half of our class was around that age.  Can you imagine starting a new career in your fifties?  Good for them!  These were the people that I found had the most personality.  Another fact:  the average city carrier loses thirty pounds in the first two months.  Despite all of the running and walking I've been doing, I seem only to be gaining weight, so I am quite okay with this statistic.  Also today, I joined a union.  They do good things and I like good things so it just seemed fitting.  And I got a free hat, so that's cool, too.  

I realized on my drive to training this morning that the interstate has become increasingly more simple for me to navigate.  I didn't cry or scream and when I parked at the post office, I didn't have to peel my own hands from the steering wheel.  I was very proud of myself, thinking how I'd conquered a huge, lifelong fear of mine.  On the drive back to the hotel, there seemed to be double the usual traffic and I passed two accidents, thus raising my heart rate extremely high.  I screamed in my brain at least three times.  I would have screamed out of my mouth but I was too busy biting through my bottom lip.  Hindsight tells me that my drive this morning was either luck or fantasy.  I am still absolutely terrified.  

Tomorrow is my last day here and I just can't wait to get home!  I'm hoping for good weather while I learn to drive a truck that is only six years newer than me.  I also hope that I have a patient instructor and that my nerves play no role in my driving.  And mostly, I hope we go someplace good to eat at noon because I have just about had it with vending machine lunches.  

Days 2 and 3

As far as time in the classroom goes, days two and three have equaled out to this: information overload.  There is so much more to learn than I expected.  I am retaining as much as humanly possible, but every trainer that we have had thus far has told us, all in their own separate ways, that our lives for the next couple of months are going to suck worse than they ever have.  The good news is that my nerves have really not played much of a role in this week, nor will they in the upcoming weeks, because there is just far too much to do to waste time being nervous.  Go, go, GO.  Then go some more.  Then some more.  Then some...well, you get it.

And outside of the classroom, life is great.  Kenny and the kids showed up around 6pm last night.  When I saw the Jeep pulling into the parking lot, I ran outside to greet my family and Mae jumped out yelling, "MOM!"  We hugged, and as we pulled away, she grabbed both of my shoulders and asked, "Guess WHAT?!"  I asked, "What?"  and she replied, "Dad actually WASHED the dishes.  All by himself."  I am very happy (and surprised) at how Kenny is just easing right into this new role of Mr. Mom.

I then helped my children unload every single blanket, pillow and stuffed animal that they own, then we headed off to The Amazing Pizza Machine.  None of us had ever been there and all of us had a blast.  Kyler and Mae each got a blue ribbon for winning separate go-cart races.  On the ride home, both kids exclaimed, "This is the best day EVER!"  I hardly believe that, but I'm glad they had a good time.  Making the switch from all-the-time Mom to all-the-time Dad can't be easy on them.

We stayed up way too late and woke up way too early (yet still too late).  After enjoying a hearty breakfast in the lobby, I had to say good-bye to them and I stood outside of my room waving a sad hand in the air, so unhappy to see them go.  And then I realized that they weren't the only ones running late and was actually thankful that I had to kick myself into high gear to make it to training on time, as it left me with no time to be sad.  

And now, after a long day of mental warfare, I find myself with a cold six-pack and leftover Chinese food.  I figure this is the last week I will have in a very long time to drink, eat and be lazy so I'm gonna do it to the fullest extent.  At least for tonite.  

Day one: DONE.

I survived Day 1: Orientation, though not without a pounding headache.  My brain does not do boring well. Today, I am fully equipped with a full bottle of Tylenol and I have downed a small pot of coffee.  I will say that I slept better last night than I ever have in a hotel room.  The giant margarita that Megs bought me may have had something to do with it, but no matter the reason, I feel quite alert today.  

The news from Mae's softball game:  she hit her very first home run!!  I don't even feel sorry for myself for missing it because I am just so stinkin' happy for her!  Last year, she got nervous at each game and as far as I remember, she never hit the ball during a game except for once and it was a foul.  So this is big.  I mean BIG.  Kenny said the whole team was cheering for her.  One of her coaches (the one who is also her bus driver) said he was going to announce her home run to the whole bus in the morning.  Once again, I am so, so proud.  

My happy little family is coming to visit me today and I just can't wait to hug them.  I have fully realized that I'm just not me without them and I can't even believe how much I miss them.  Over margaritas, Meghan told me that it's just so strange to see me in the 'big city' all by myself.  She said she can't remember me ever being anywhere without Kenny and she's exactly right.  Where I go, he goes and vice versa.  And that's exactly how we like it.  During our orientation class yesterday, many of the women were talking about how their husbands are truck drivers who are gone all week and that's why their marriages work so well.  I laughed along with them at the thought, but really, I'd be in pretty sad shape without Kenny being around at almost all times.  And now I'm wondering if he's missing me so much, too, or if he's invited all of his friends over for a party because "Mom's out of town for the week!"  Ha.  Mae would totally tell on him.

And off I go for Day 2.  Today is Defensive Driving.  We were fully warned that on Friday, assuming they find enough instructors for our large class, we will be one-on-one with a driving instructor for six straight hours of driving in Omaha.  I might bring two bottles of Tylenol that day.  

It's Mama's Day.

Mother's Day seems bittersweet this year, as I go visit baby boy's garden and wish one more time that he was still in my belly where he should be.  But I'm still doing the best that I can do.  

I am quite nervous to start my training tomorrow.  I haven't started a new job in so many years that I'm certain by morning, my tongue will be in my throat and my hands will be shaky.  I can already tell that I will like my new boss as she told me which hotel to stay at saying, "The room's huge and they serve wine at night with dinner."  Hells.  Yes.  While nervous, I am ready, I am ready and I AM READY.  In fact, I want it to be tomorrow right now just so I could be "in it" instead of "in front of it", you know?  I'm only nervous until I start.  And my new really expensive shoes were in a box on my front porch yesterday when I returned home.  I assumed that since they are post office-approved and costed over one hundred dollars, they would be the most comfortable shoes I've ever purchased.  Wrong.  I have put in seven miles in the last twenty-four hours while wearing them, just trying to break them in.  They are also not fashionable at ALL.  So I am going to look super awesome at the hotel gym trying to break in my shoes on the treadmill.  Yessss.

Instead of telling the weekend in order, I'm telling it backwards and I'm not sure why.  Yesterday morning, Kyler had a baseball game that we barely made it to on time due to road construction (okay, mostly due to we couldn't find his baseball cap and we had to stop for gas, but let's blame it on the construction just for fun).  I realized, whilst sitting on the bleachers under a heavy blanket and cuddling Mae for warmth, that this game is actually fun to watch now.  All of those boring years of t-ball and beginning baseball are finally paying off.  Kyler is no longer the kid in the outfield who is facing the wrong way, nor is he the kid that accidentally gets the ball and then stands there looking confused because he has no idea where to throw it.  He is now the kid that hit the home run, as well as the kid that gets to be pitcher and catcher (but not at the same time; he's not THAT good).  I am just so proud of him.  And Mae starts softball this week, but sadly, due to training, I will miss her very first game and possibly her second game.  I suppose this is what happens when you decide to be the family's main "bread maker", but no regrets here because even though I will miss some games, it means that Kenny will finally get to see some games.  Role reversal might take some getting used to, but I'm pretty sure it will work out well for us.

And that is it and that is all.  Happy Mother's Day to every mother out there.  Poopy diapers don't change themselves, dishes don't wash themselves, lost shoes don't find themselves and alarm clocks never wake a sleeping child in the same terrifying manner as a Mom who realizes that she has exactly five minutes to get everybody in the house fed, dressed, packed up and out the door.  

Why I Quit My Job.

Because it just feels right, that's why.  And if you want more explanation than that, here it is:  this was not a decision I took lightly.  I have had my job for nearly thirteen years, which is almost as long as I've had my Kenny and I certainly wouldn't trade him in for anything.  But there's quite a difference between the two:  I love my Kenny.  My job...not so much.  So why did I keep it for thirteen long years?  While the work was merely bearable at best, I was able to be home with my babies when they were babies and I was never denied a single day off (except for my honeymoon, which I got written up for taking...but you know, no important days off [yes, I made a joke]).  Time with my babies was more important than any amount of money in the world and was well worth all of the work that I didn't really like doing.

But then we lost Jakobi.  And as often happens with losing somebody so close to you, I began to reassess my entire life.  Something had to change and for two straight weeks, I was absolutely stumped as to what that something was. 

One night, lying in bed and waiting for sleep to take over, Kenny confessed to me that he already has regrets about not spending enough time with the kids.  He has always worked second or third shift while I was at home taking care of the kids, meaning that for many years, he saw them only on weekends and for a few minutes in the mornings before they headed off to school.  I put this information all into my brain and 'slept on it.'

The very next day, it hit me.  A new job is my something that needs to change.  Over a year ago, my boss told me that I have hit my "pay ceiling", which means that I will never get another raise ever.  In other words: I have no further goals to conquer if I stay where I'm at.  And I like goals.  I need goals. 

In order to help me decide what my new job should be (because it was decided that morning that I WOULD be getting a new job), I jumped onto my treadmill for a run.  I always think better when I'm running.  And in running, I decided that somebody should just pay me to run because that's somehow become  my most favorite thing to do.  But since jumping around in a gym to 80's music is not really my style, I knew that this wasn't really possible so I decided on the next best thing...and from there, everything fell into place in such a perfect way that I just know Jakobi somehow had a hand in it.  Or at least he gave me the motivation needed to jump through so many hoops in such a short amount of time (this is where all of those super secret missions come into play).

I begin training for the Post Office on Monday.  They will be paying me to walk around and deliver mail.  I know this isn't everybody's idea of a perfect job, but it's MY idea of a perfect job.  And I have no fantasies that this will be easy.  To hopefully ease the transition of sitting at a desk for 10 hours each day to walking all day long, I have been burning 900+ calories on my treadmill every single day.  And Kenny?  Well, Kenny will be taking the entire summer off to spend it with the kids and hopefully learn how to cook and clean.  (ha!)  He will then decide what his next career move will be.  Perhaps he will join me at the Post Office.  I hope you're as happy for us as we are.  I just somehow know that this is exactly what we need right now.

Thirtysomething.

I woke up to the alarm clock this morning and didn't want to get out of bed.  Kenny rolled over and said, "Happy birthday, babe."  Oh, YEAH, it's my birthday!!  Upon realizing this, I somersaulted out of bed and did a dance.  I went immediately to my desk and turned on my computer, but something wasn't right.  It was moving veeerrrryyyy slooooowwwlllly.  I picked up the phone, hit the 'Talk' button and...no dial tone.  No internet + no phone = no work (aka Best Birthday Ever).  As you have probably figured out, my internet is working now, but my phone is still not and it's late enough in the day that I'm just going to not worry about work until tomorrow.  I have so far spent my day running, reading a book and buying groceries.  And I have big plans to clean out the Jeep and then make tacos for supper.  

Birthdays used to seem so disappointing to me.  They should last longer and I should see everybody that I know in the whole world and eat all of the cupcakes and drink all of the margaritas and get everything that I want without having to say anything.  Except that's not how they ever work out and they never have.  Lowering my birthday standards has increased my birthday happiness at least tenfold.  Or even more.  Ifinityfold.

My sister texted me this morning and spoke of how we are getting old.  I replied with, "We are wiser."  She said she doesn't feel that way sometimes, but I most honestly do.  More forgetful, perhaps, and much more oblivious to nearly everything, but wiser nonetheless.  Experienced at life, that's what we are.


As another year has flown by, though I am feeling ever so wise, I really have nothing profound to say today.  I am content with this life.  I hope you are, too.  It's a good way to be.  Everything seems perfectly peaceful.  And don't even say anything to me about 'the calm before the storm' because we have endured enough 'storms' this year to last at least the next ten.  This is simply the contentment that comes when you accept that life is what is and if you don't love and hug and dance in the moment, you are simply taking a dump on your own self.

The Aftermath.

The past two days have been nothing short of wonderful.  I love a full house and that's what I got.  It's a mystery to me how I so often find myself surrounded by amazing people.  These aren't the kind of people you would pass on the street and think nothing of...they even look amazing.  If you did happen to pass by them, you would wish you were friends with them (or at least you should wish you were friends with them).  And I am once again reminded of how extremely lucky I am.  Unfortunately, I did not do well on camera-duty, but here is a snapshot of a few of these amazing people from Saturday afternoon:

 

I love you, love you, love you. 

 

Adrienne loved the present that I made her...it was a book, written and illustrated by yours truly, about our friendship.  I had way too much fun making it and she had way too much fun reading it.  Goal accomplished.

 

After much laughter and shenanigans, we ended the night around the fire pit.  Meghan and Sara so brilliantly roasted first pizza rolls and then bacon over the open fire and mesmerized us all.  And as far as I know, nobody is deathly ill from it. 

 

 

The best thing about falling asleep in a house filled with people is that many of those people are still there in the morning.  As I prepared to clean up after the party, everybody else chipped in and the house was clean in a very short time.  The young'ns were awesome enough to cook breakfast (eggs and...of course, leftover pizza rolls and bacon) for everybody and then my friends all drove away, leaving me sad to see them go but happily fulfilled that they were here.

 

 

After everybody left, Kenny and I decided to head to Lincoln to visit his sister.  Kyler took the opportunity to tell us that he also had plans in Lincoln.  Here's the back story: two weeks ago, Kyler's beloved Nintendo DS quit working.  He kindly asked me if I would sell all of his games on the internet.  I did.  His profit:  $125.  He decided that his next big purchase would be an ipod touch, but when we were next at the store, he was sad to find that they retail for $198.  I told him that perhaps he could buy one used on craigslist, which sent him on a nine-day search.  Yesterday morning, he'd finally found the perfect deal and the guy selling the ipod wanted to meet in Lincoln, merely blocks from our destination. 

 

 

As we got into Lincoln and made it to the grocery store parking lot that had been designated as our meeting spot, Mae made it fully aware that if she didn't find a bathroom in the very near future, we would all be sorry.  I grabbed her hand and we headed into the store.  When we returned to the car, I could see some major trauma evident in Kyler's eyes.  I feared that the guy had been a no-show but then I noticed the ipod in Kyler's hand.  I hopped into the car and asked what was wrong.  Kenny answered for Kyler, saying, "Well, the guy gave us fair warning that he didn't know how to reset it..." and so I held out my hand and Kyler handed me the ipod.  The wallpaper on it said, "Gangsta' Thug" and as I navigated through the downloaded apps, songs, etc. I saw the term "bitches and hoes" enough times to know that this ipod would definitely need reset.  It took me about two minutes to get it back to the factory settings and then I handed it to Kyler and said, "There ya' go; clean slate."  He looked very much relieved and now excited about his purchase.  

After a lovely sister-visit, we returned home around eight o'clock.  I changed right into my jammies, climbed into bed and started reading my book.  And the next thing I remember is waking up this morning.  Kenny said he put my book on my dresser when he came in to bed.  I looked at the page he had bookmarked for me and found that I had read two entire pages before falling asleep.  I guess I must have been tired!

It's party day!

It is my birthday party day and I was so excited last night that I had much trouble falling asleep.  This is my favorite day of the year.  I look forward to my own birthday party as much as a six-year old child does and I hope that never changes.  Life doesn't end when you turn twenty-one.  I think each and every year is worth celebrating.  The past year has not turned out at all how I or Adrienne had planned (it's also her birthday party...we share).  There was more bad than good but we will still be here, together, celebrating the fact that we're still standing. 

Last night, my mom stayed the night and we both fell asleep on the couch while watching 'Frazier'.  I felt like I was eleven years old again.  I still can't tell if that show is actually funny or if the humor is all in Mom's laughter.  Either way, I fell asleep laughing and Kenny had to wake me up and tell me to go to bed...which is when I decided that sleep was not necessary and I instead spent the greater portion of the night staring at the ceiling.

I suppose right now would be a great time for a nap so I just might try that, though my expectations are low as the kids are playing kickball in the house again.  Today is great and I am very much happy and ready to celebrate before continuing on this roller coaster of a year!

I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm not okay, I'm okay.

I wasn't going to post this but if I'm being completely honest with myself, I had a very rough time yesterday.  Most of my day was spectacular and something really good happened, of which I still can't yet tell you, but we were all pretty excited and upbeat.  (And in case it's even a thought in your mind, I am not pregnant and will most likely never be again so please don't ask me). 

Our happy little family of four headed to the kids' spring music program at their school.  Kyler and Mae both had on their brand new outfits and were ecstatic that they had kept their songs a secret this whole time, despite my constant inquiring.  We got to the school, took our annual 'spring picture' outside of the building, then headed inside.  We bounced down the hallway and got the kids where they needed to be.  Kenny and I looked around to see that every seat was taken and the bleachers were nearly filled.  We were able to squeeze into a spot on the bleachers and that's when it happened.  Without warning, my mind rewound itself to nearly five months ago when I sat in almost the exact same spot for the kids' winter music program.  Kenny had to work that night so I had brought them by myself, and I had sat there thinking I am the only person in this whole school that knows I'm pregnant and when I return here in spring, I will be visibly pregnant and happy and excited.  And then my mind flashed forward into real-time and I suddenly became really sad for five-months-ago-me because she had no idea what was in store in the upcoming months.  If five-months-ago-me could see right-now-me, she'd be shocked and terrified.  And then I shook those thoughts out of my head because they were doing nothing good for me (both of me). 

Just as I thought I'd recovered, a woman walked toward me and excitedly said, "I hear congratulations are in order!  Tell me all about the new baby!"  It wasn't her fault and this is the third time this has happened.  She'd heard that we'd had a baby, but the informant failed to mention that it wasn't alive.  I felt so bad that she felt so bad.  As the tears swelled up in my eyes, she began apologizing as Kenny was explaining what happened.  I had to bite my bottom lip and hold my breath to keep the tears from falling but knowing that I could only do this for so long, I turned my head toward the exit.  That's when I caught Kenny's eyes.  I'm certain that he was wondering if he should pick me up and run me right out of that gym before I caused a scene or if I was going to be okay.  I grabbed his hand and squeezed it as hard as I could.  Somehow, this enabled me to breathe again, though very slowly.  And then fate intervened as all eyes were directed toward the fifth grade band as they began playing their first song of the night.  And I was totally fine for the remainder of the evening, until I was safely in bed and allowed myself to silently cry until I fell asleep.  I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay...but sometimes, for a little while, I'm not okay and I have to cry...and then I'm okay again.  I'm not one to remember anniversaries; not even our wedding anniversary, which falls on Mae's birthday, so you'd think I'd remember...but for some reason, I clearly know that six weeks ago today, There is no heartbeat.  And six weeks ago tomorrow, It's a boy. 

Last night, just before bedtime and between my dramatic tears, the dogs started barking like crazy.  I slid the back door open and popped my head out to listen.  It sounded like something was moving by the pond and after a few seconds, I heard a very quiet meow.  It was sweet and sounded like a kitten.  I heard it again, then again, and each time, it seemed to be closer until I decided that it was right underneath me.  By now, Kenny and Mae had gathered at the door with me and Mae agreed that there was a kitten directly beneath me, though Kenny swore that it was in the neighbor's yard.  At Kenny's last ear appointment, he was told that he has the hearing "of a ninety-year old man" so we pretty much don't pay any attention to what Kenny thinks he might have heard at any given time.  Thinking quickly, Mae brought me the broom.  We were all pretty excited because kittens are cute and where there's one, there's usually five or ten.  Not that we need ten more cats, but I was ready at least to cuddle a whole bunch of cute kittens for a little while before dumping them back outside.  I stood on the back steps and pushed in the skirting of the house with the broom so that we could see inside.  Pretty soon, gray fur passed by the opening and I was quite disappointed to see that it was just a full-grown gray cat.  I said, "Aww, we already have a gray cat."  The cat was meowing even more by now so we decided that we should still probably save it.  Again with the quick thinking, Mae ran inside and this time brought back cat food.  I sat the food right outside of the opening and in no time, the cat was back.  I was able to grab it and pull it out.  We were quite surprised to see that not only did this cat look exactly like our Sadie-kitty, but this cat WAS our Sadie-kitty.  We felt mostly bad that we hadn't even realized she was missing, but in all honesty, I had thrown her off of the bed that very morning when she woke me up by nudging me in the head.  This means that she could have only been missing for fifteen hours at the most. 

Today is my last day off of work and I will be a cleaning fool as Saturday's weather is not going to cooperate with our birthday party and everybody will be stuck inside, judging me on the cleanliness of my house.  I know, I know...this is not true at all.  They will be judging me on how many shots of alcohol I down, not on how clean my floors are.