I wasn't going to post this but if I'm being completely honest with myself, I had a very rough time yesterday. Most of my day was spectacular and something really good happened, of which I still can't yet tell you, but we were all pretty excited and upbeat. (And in case it's even a thought in your mind, I am not pregnant and will most likely never be again so please don't ask me).
Our happy little family of four headed to the kids' spring music program at their school. Kyler and Mae both had on their brand new outfits and were ecstatic that they had kept their songs a secret this whole time, despite my constant inquiring. We got to the school, took our annual 'spring picture' outside of the building, then headed inside. We bounced down the hallway and got the kids where they needed to be. Kenny and I looked around to see that every seat was taken and the bleachers were nearly filled. We were able to squeeze into a spot on the bleachers and that's when it happened. Without warning, my mind rewound itself to nearly five months ago when I sat in almost the exact same spot for the kids' winter music program. Kenny had to work that night so I had brought them by myself, and I had sat there thinking I am the only person in this whole school that knows I'm pregnant and when I return here in spring, I will be visibly pregnant and happy and excited. And then my mind flashed forward into real-time and I suddenly became really sad for five-months-ago-me because she had no idea what was in store in the upcoming months. If five-months-ago-me could see right-now-me, she'd be shocked and terrified. And then I shook those thoughts out of my head because they were doing nothing good for me (both of me).
Just as I thought I'd recovered, a woman walked toward me and excitedly said, "I hear congratulations are in order! Tell me all about the new baby!" It wasn't her fault and this is the third time this has happened. She'd heard that we'd had a baby, but the informant failed to mention that it wasn't alive. I felt so bad that she felt so bad. As the tears swelled up in my eyes, she began apologizing as Kenny was explaining what happened. I had to bite my bottom lip and hold my breath to keep the tears from falling but knowing that I could only do this for so long, I turned my head toward the exit. That's when I caught Kenny's eyes. I'm certain that he was wondering if he should pick me up and run me right out of that gym before I caused a scene or if I was going to be okay. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it as hard as I could. Somehow, this enabled me to breathe again, though very slowly. And then fate intervened as all eyes were directed toward the fifth grade band as they began playing their first song of the night. And I was totally fine for the remainder of the evening, until I was safely in bed and allowed myself to silently cry until I fell asleep. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay...but sometimes, for a little while, I'm not okay and I have to cry...and then I'm okay again. I'm not one to remember anniversaries; not even our wedding anniversary, which falls on Mae's birthday, so you'd think I'd remember...but for some reason, I clearly know that six weeks ago today, There is no heartbeat. And six weeks ago tomorrow, It's a boy.
Last night, just before bedtime and between my dramatic tears, the dogs started barking like crazy. I slid the back door open and popped my head out to listen. It sounded like something was moving by the pond and after a few seconds, I heard a very quiet meow. It was sweet and sounded like a kitten. I heard it again, then again, and each time, it seemed to be closer until I decided that it was right underneath me. By now, Kenny and Mae had gathered at the door with me and Mae agreed that there was a kitten directly beneath me, though Kenny swore that it was in the neighbor's yard. At Kenny's last ear appointment, he was told that he has the hearing "of a ninety-year old man" so we pretty much don't pay any attention to what Kenny thinks he might have heard at any given time. Thinking quickly, Mae brought me the broom. We were all pretty excited because kittens are cute and where there's one, there's usually five or ten. Not that we need ten more cats, but I was ready at least to cuddle a whole bunch of cute kittens for a little while before dumping them back outside. I stood on the back steps and pushed in the skirting of the house with the broom so that we could see inside. Pretty soon, gray fur passed by the opening and I was quite disappointed to see that it was just a full-grown gray cat. I said, "Aww, we already have a gray cat." The cat was meowing even more by now so we decided that we should still probably save it. Again with the quick thinking, Mae ran inside and this time brought back cat food. I sat the food right outside of the opening and in no time, the cat was back. I was able to grab it and pull it out. We were quite surprised to see that not only did this cat look exactly like our Sadie-kitty, but this cat WAS our Sadie-kitty. We felt mostly bad that we hadn't even realized she was missing, but in all honesty, I had thrown her off of the bed that very morning when she woke me up by nudging me in the head. This means that she could have only been missing for fifteen hours at the most.
Today is my last day off of work and I will be a cleaning fool as Saturday's weather is not going to cooperate with our birthday party and everybody will be stuck inside, judging me on the cleanliness of my house. I know, I know...this is not true at all. They will be judging me on how many shots of alcohol I down, not on how clean my floors are.
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