You know that annoying list of unimportant things that everybody plans to accomplish but never does? Framing and hanging pictures, cleaning out the junk drawer, organizing the cupboards, etc? I have completed nearly my entire list today, and it's barely past noon. I even planted flowers, cleaned the whole house, baked, won movie tickets off of the radio and drank beer. I've no idea what's gotten into me but it might have something to do with being left home alone all day. We all know how terribly afraid I am of myself, so all of this do-gooding is really just a distraction, like if I keep myself busy enough, I won't realize that I'm alone with myself.
Not that it's a new discovery, but I must throw out there exactly how much I love my family. Yesterday was my second Sunday off in months, and I have been overwhelmingly content at how many family members I've had the luxury of spending time with. I know how lucky I am.
Work continues to go well. I mean, mostly. I will admit that some days are terrible and I wonder if I'm actually doing any good, but then I get a call from somebody that truly needs real help and my natural ability to stay calm kicks in. I fully attribute this to my mother. While giving CPR instructions or controlling a hemmorhage, my brain is saying, "FUUUUUCCKKK!!!" but somehow, my voice is saying, "We'll get through this together. Now is no time to panic." It's still shocking to me to hang up the phone after sending Starcare to a multiple-vehicle car accident, only to answer the next call and hear somebody angrily complaining that, "Somebody is parked in a no parking zone!" Oh dear God, NO! That's TERRIBLE!! But I'm not allowed to say that. I'm also not allowed to tell people to get a life. I am, however, allowed to repeat everything they say in question form in an effort to make them realize that their complaint is unfounded. Quite often, upon realization of this, they'll simply sigh and say, "Never mind" and hang up the phone.
A new development: Every time I sneeze, my left eye has a muscle spasm. Maybe I should be worried, but I think it's hilarious. I made the mistake of pointing it out to Kenny. Now, every time I sneeze, I begin to laugh until I catch him looking at me with a very concerned look. I'm sure it's just a sign that I'm getting older, but he has no sense of humor when it comes to aging. We are all going to get cancer and have heart attacks soon and he doesn't think it's funny at all. I'm not sure what's wrong with him.
Another new development: my kids have gotten old. Why didn't anybody tell me this would happen? When I had babies, I felt certain that they would always just be babies. But now, I'll look over at Kyler while playing video games and I'll ask quite honestly, "Who the heck are you?" And he laughs because he thinks I'm joking, but really, who is this kid? Where did he come from? How did he get so tall and smart without me noticing? I no longer educate my children. They are constantly teaching me now. They have a type of wonder instilled in them that I was not born with. They know so much about so much and I'm just stumbling through this life without inquisition, just happy to learn whatever is offered me and joyful that the sun is out or it's time to put the Christmas tree up or it's my day off work. And Mae, while still my "difficult" child, completely impresses me with each new day. She stands up for what she believes, even if it results in a very long, drawn-out argument. I will give in, just to avoid the hassle, but she never backs down. She will argue her opinion if it takes all day, all week, all year. Where did she learn this? And again, who are these kids?
Is it too early to claim dementia? Or maybe I had head trauma that caused me to forget the past eight years or so. Something had to have happened. I certainly didn't get to the end of 2014 willingly or knowingly. Sheesh, what year will it be tomorrow?
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