The week ends, the week begins.

I think if I ever have a stroke, nobody will know.  It's not uncommon for me to space off, answer questions with a slur of non-words and look confused.  That's me every day.  I don't know why I just thought of that...I just hope I never have a stroke is all.

Due to the recent sunshine and warm weather, I have been unusually busy working on the yard.  Kenny was, too.  He first had to fix the lawnmower, which meant that he sat in the driveway cursing for about an hour, then mowed for an hour, then sat in the driveway cursing for another hour, then finished mowing.  Something about a bolt that isn't the right size but Tractor Supply had to special order the right one so he had to do the best with what he had...or something...what I observed was that the deck on the riding mower would just fall off occasionally as he was mowing.  And here's another example of something that I find hilarious, while Kenny does not see the humor in it at all.  By the second deck-falling-off incident, I found myself hiding behind a tree just so Kenny wouldn't see me laughing.  I suppose if I had to fix it myself, it wouldn't be nearly as amusing, but I am not a fixer.  I am a here-can-you-fix-this-for-me?'er.

Aside from yard work, we got to deliver baskets of candy to the retirement home and clean up a highway for 4H.  Well, I didn't clean.  I just watched the kids clean.  Mae definitely doesn't get her work ethic from me or Kenny.  I observed her twice rolling down hills when she was supposed to be gathering trash.  She then was the sole 4H'er to get attacked by ants, which actually had nothing to do with her rolling down hills.  While she did not inherit my work ethic...she DID inherit my luck.  Poor kid.  She also has a new, big, blue bruise from softball practice from catching the ball...with her ankle.  That's ma' girl!

So that's our weekend and weekbeginning in a nutshell.  School music program tonite, back to work on Thursday, my sister graduates college on Friday, and birthday party on Saturday.  This will be a great week.  :)

Dreaming of a dream about a dream in a dream.

I dreamed one hundred dreams last night, all interwoven into each other and making perfect sense.  My mind was organized and within these hundred dreams, one thousand stories were told all at once and I was able to separate them and understand them all.  This is not at all how my mind works in reality.  I tell my brain:  Think!  Think!  Think! and it just completely shuts down, makes a fart noise and the SpongeBob Squarepants theme song starts playing in my head, over and over.  But having the dream(s) that I had last night makes me think that I must be able to organize my brain and think clearly, if only I could figure out how while being awake and without getting distracted.  It's not happening today, that's for sure.  But if I can't be a thinker, at least I'll be a laugher...

I look out the window to see Kenny riding Mae's "Pretty in Pink" bicycle and she's chasing behind him yelling, "DAD!!!  Get off of my BIKE!!!"  And he replies with, "Gotta catch me first!" and takes off down the driveway at full speed.  Aside from the fact that it's probably time to buy Kenny his own bike, I find it amazing that he is so completely unashamed all the time.  Why can't we all be like that?  Why can't I be like that? 

This morning, I ran like a fool.  I honestly walked directly to the kitchen when I was done, opened the freezer door and stuck my head in it.  I probably could have stayed there all day except the cats were watching me with much curiosity and I decided I wasn't being a good role model.  I would hate to open the freezer door and find a cat in there all because She did it first.  Or maybe it's only kids that follow our bad examples.  I'm not gonna risk it; we've got extremely strange cats who seem to think they're humans.

The forecast for this weekend is promising: sunshine and happiness at full speed.  We've got a whole lot to do and the only downside to having a packed weekend is that it will fly by.  Time is truly an illusion.  My eight-hour work day is much, much longer than my eight-hour fun day.  With this being said, I hope everybody's weekends fly by...only because I wish fun upon everybody.

Running and planting and driving.

Morning time is my favorite time, and minus the ages of fourteen through eighteen, it always has been.  There's just something about a new day, a new start and a chance at redeeming yourself of all of yesterday's mistakes.  This morning wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows, but I think I'm recovered now.  Mae decided to be especially difficult about eating breakfast, thus sending me off on a thirty-minute sprint after the kids were securely on the school bus.  Getting a child to eat breakfast is certainly more complex than it seems to be.  But emotions are good fuel for running.  If I'm neither sad or angry, I have to find good hate-music to inspire false emotions in order to intensify my run.  It works, so far. Thanks, Marshall Mathers.

Mae walked through the front door after school yesterday with a mighty red oak tree in her hand.  Well, it's not exactly mighty yet, but it will be in only a few short years.  She demanded that we plant "Lizzie" immediately, so we did.  Lizzie is now firmly planted about fifteen feet south of Andrew.  And today, we shall plant the pine trees, whose names I was off about...they're actually Alyssa and Carl.  I at least had the first letters right.  I love that the act of putting something small into the ground and proudly watching it grow is fully instilled in my children.  Despite all of my mother's efforts, this love for growing things didn't spark in me until about two years ago.  Though I will admit that I'm still learning the art of making plants live after they've grown.  A work in progress...

I had a most wonderful time with my sis yesterday.  I discovered a new and wonderful kind of beer, though I don't remember the name of it now.  Green apple ale?  That might be it.  Delicious.  After sister-day came to an end, I stopped by the Sprint store to see if I was eligible for an upgraded phone.  The guy that was helping me kept staring at me in such an unusual way that I felt really uncomfortable and kept avoiding his eye contact.  I didn't known him and had never seen him before.  I finally decided to stare him straight in the eye.  Did you know that when you stare at somebody like that, they tell you what's on their mind?  Or usually that happens, anyway.  So I stared him straight in the eye and he nervously asked, "Do you have a ...twin?"  I told him no but that this happens all the time.  He thought I was my sister.  We don't really look that much alike, but people who don't know either of us very well get really confused because we look enough alike that they can't figure out if I'm her or if she's me.  Many times, the highlight of the day has been having a deep conversation with somebody who thinks I'm my sister and not ever telling them that I'm not.  It's fun to be someone else every once in a while.  No wonder Superman carried on in secret for so long.  And in case you're wondering, I never say anything to make her look bad.  I mostly just listen and think it's funny that I can know exactly nothing about somebody and they don't even notice.

I've decided to start teaching Kyler how to drive.  He can get his school permit at the age of fourteen (eek!) and that's only four years from now.  Not many things in life have been so terrifying to me as getting my driver's license and then learning how to drive.  Flashback: all by myself, screaming aloud in my car because I somehow accidentally ended up on the interstate and I realized that I had no idea what I was doing, but I was the only one who could get myself out of the situation so I figured it out.  But I don't want my kids to have to do that.  I want them to be good drivers before they can legally drive.  We're fortunate enough to have a big driveway and a somewhat-graveled road that leads to and mostly around our pond that he can practice on.  Our first lesson took place two days ago.  I'm not brave enough to let Kyler be fully in charge and I'm not sure he's even tall enough to see over the steering wheel yet, so he was on my lap.  He's pretty good at steering already as he's put in many hours of drive-time on the riding lawnmower, so I reminded him which pedal was which and let him have at it.  As it turns out, the kid's a natural.  He did great, turning around and stopping and speeding up when I instructed him to.  When I decided the lesson was over, I told him to park and this is when he accidentally (and for the first time) hit the gas instead of the brake.  We sure went flying, but no harm was done and it's probably good that it happened so that he knows how easily things can go wrong if you're not paying all attention.  So that's that. After the lesson, I realized that in one year, Mae will expect me to teach her how to drive also.  Oh dear gads, what have I done?

I get back to work in exactly one week and I'm not even upset about it like I thought I'd be.  I'm pretty much ready.  I've caught up on all the movies I missed over the past ten or so years.  My house and yard and garage are clean.  My heart and head seem to be pretty sound.   The only thing I'm worried about is that I've forgotten in six weeks everything I learned in the previous thirteen years.  Hopefully, that didn't really happen. 

Right side, left side, CORRECT side.

I continue to wake up on the right side of the bed, which is actually the left side, but still the right side as opposed to the wrong side.  Are you still with me?  I am well, that's all.  There is much to look forward to, such as getting day-drunk and thrift store shopping with my sister tomorrow.  I absolutely cannot wait.  She can make me laugh more than anybody.  We just can't help being so, so funny together.  I once thought that we should have a talk show...but decided that was a bad plan when I realized it would be an entire hour of us laughing hysterically because I'm pretty sure that some of our hilariousness might be only in our heads.  Doesn't matter as long as we're happy, right?

I spent yesterday's entire kids-at-school hours laboring on the birthday gift for my best friend.  I trashed the living room in the process but it's worth it.  I showed said gift to Kenny and before even venturing through the whole gift, he was laughing really hard so I must have done good.  Kenny doesn't usually think that things are as funny as I do.  I'm pretty much always laughing harder than him and sometimes he's not even laughing.  Then I tell him that he should laugh more and I even find humor in that, so I laugh even more and he still just stares at me with not even the slightest smile on his face.  I just don't know how he does it. 

Kyler brought home two new pine trees from school.  He named last year's oak tree Andrew.  This year's trees are Clark and Allie?  Or something like that?  And he has big plans to plant them if our mud pit of a back yard ever dries up a little.  Mae is bringing an oak tree home tomorrow and she already has a spot picked out to plant it, but she has yet to name her tree.  When I am old and walking around my back yard, I will look most crazy calling all of the trees by name.  Maybe old people don't really ever "lose it"...maybe there are just things in their head that nobody bothers to question.  (We also have Peachy, Perry and Cherry...bet you'll never guess what kind of trees they are).

In an effort to not spend the entire morning and afternoon on the day of my shared birthday party frantically cleaning the house and yelling at everybody that gets in my way, I am going to start today.  Wish me luck, here I go...

Clownball.

Monday, Monday...wasn't it just last Monday? 

We did a lot over the weekend.  I don't even remember what all we did, but between Kenny getting called into work and the neighbors having a big bash in which they cranked the music up all night, we sure didn't get much sleep.  And I'm not upset in the least that the neighbors had a party.  I'm actually happy about it because it means they must be less dull than I previously thought. 

Yesterday, I received a text message that said, "Practice today on the field at 2pm".  I don't know why I assumed that this meant Kyler had baseball practice, but I did.  He got all ready.  I got all ready.  We all drove to the park and were quite surprised to see a baseball field filled with little girls.  Mae looked quizzical and asked, "Why is Kyler practicing with my team?"  Before I could even answer, she figured it out and said, "Crap, Mom, I'm wearing flip flops!"  So I told Kyler to give Mae his shoes and socks... just one of the many sacrifices that come along with having a sibling.  Poor little Mae ran out onto the field wearing cleats that were four (yes, FOUR) sizes too big for her.  And as luck would have it, she got to be a "runner" in their mock softball game.  I'm still very proud of her for not falling headfirst into the mud.

I hate to cut this so short today, but I am working on only the very best birthday present EVER and time's a-wasting.  My best friend and I share an almost-birthday (only one day off) and we celebrate together every year.  And every year, we scratch our heads at what to get (or make) each other and every year, we give each other the best gift ever.  We really do.  But last year, she totally topped my gift so it's my turn to make her teary-eyed.  Minds will be blown!  Or...or it won't turn out at all like I expected and she'll still give me a pat on the back for effort.  Either way, I CAN'T WAIT!!

This is why I shouldn't watch the news...

We are FINALLY back to good weather so I might have to go find something to paint or build in the garage.  What would I do without a garage?  Become depressed and irrational, I'm sure.  And speaking of depressed, I seem to be no longer.  For now, at least.  Didn't even cry when my friend who always cries with me came over.  And I'm noticing small things that are improving, like being able to remember where I parked in the parking lot and being able to walk past the baby section of the store without getting teary-eyed (or worse: throwing something for baby into my cart and then remembering that I won't need it anymore and then getting teary-eyed).  None of that has happened for a whole week, despite the terrible out-of-season weather.

Kenny's funny for the day:  Today is his grandma's birthday.  After sending the kids off to school this morning and before he set off for work, I reminded him of this and told him to call her.  He picked up the phone, dialed the number, commented on how his grandparents have had the same phone number for as long as he can remember, then said, "Dang it!  It's busy!  That means I'm not the first to call her!"  For the next ten or so minutes, he redialed the number, said, "Still busy!", hung up the phone and redialed the number...

Somewhere in all of this redialing madness, Kenny said, "I feel like I'm trying to win something from the radio..." and then Grandma answered and Kenny blurted out, "Am I caller 10, Grandma?!"  She probably had no idea what he was talking about and maybe even thought Just my weirdo grandson talking about things that make no sense again...but I sure thought it was funny.

And as promised (though a day late, sorry), here is a photo of Mae's finished sewing project (well, and Mae, too, just in case you were wondering).  Introducing, Mae's...bear?  Dog?  Bunny?

As you can plainly see, she is very excited about it.  So excited that they wore matching outfits and she brought it to school with her.  I asked her what she plans to name it, hoping that would tip me off as to its classification and of course, she replied with, "I'll name him 'Friend'."  

And here's a picture of Kyler, hanging out the top of the sunroof in the parked Jeep, watching the girls practice softball and trying to pretend he wasn't interested in the least.  I love this boy.  Also, I am forcing him to get a haircut today.

And now, bring on the weekend.  Kenny is on call so we will be staying close to home again, but I'm really hoping I can talk the kids into taking me roller skating at some point as I have the sudden urge to go.  I love skating just as much as I did when I was a kid so I am very thankful that I have kids that 'make me' go.  It's one of those things that you just can't do without kids because then people will think you're a pedophile.  Or at least, that's what I think when I see other adults skating solo.  And I can see now that this makes me a total hypocrite as I often write about how non-judgmental I am, but when it comes to kids, I take no chances.  If I have even the slightest suspicion that somebody might be lingering around a place for dark reasons, I keep a very good eye on that person.  How did I get to this?  Oh yeah, I made the mistake of watching CNN news this morning.  Babies are being killed.  Children are being raped.  Innocent runners are being bombed.  I only want everybody in the world to be overwhelmingly happy, but instead we thrive on causing pain to each other.  Learn this, please (though I honestly hope that everybody that reads this already knows, but just in case...) bringing happiness to others in turn brings happiness to yourself.  Always.  Every time.  And it's not hard to do at all.  

It is obviously time to close the laptop.  I hope everybody has a beautiful weekend...I really, really do!

Here's what we're doing today, in no specific order.

I don't really have anything new or important to write about.  I am LOVING this rain and thunder and lightning!  Also, I have a wonderful friend coming over for a visit today AND she's bringing me food.  I met her over eight years ago when her son, who happened to be one of the best friends I ever had, was killed in a car accident.  Now that I have joined the club (you know, the Awesome-Moms-who-have-lost-Beautiful-Sons club?), I'm sure my five-day streak of no tears will come to a halt.  But we're good at crying together because somehow we can also laugh through the tears; multi-tasking at its finest!

Mae has made a breakthrough in her sewing projects.  She is currently designing her very own project.  It's a stuffed animal.  I couldn't even tell you exactly what animal it is if I wanted to and I'm afraid to ask her because then she'll know that I don't know and she's so emotionally fragile that I'd hate for her to feel down about it.  Whatever it is, it's looking pretty cool.  I'll have to post a picture when she's done, which should be tonite.  And then maybe you can help me identify its origin.

Last night, Kyler snuck my laptop into his room and was very much into whatever it was that he had looked up.  Being nothing less than an overbearing mother, I of course demanded that he showed me what he was looking at on the computer.  Without any hesitation, he turned the screen toward me and...dear god, no!  He had navigated to his teacher's web page and was studying for his social studies test.  I love his pure innocence, yet I find myself terrified of the upcoming teen years that will be upon us in what seems like no time at all.  This is the only explanation I can come up with for my constant unwarranted suspicions that my children are doing something they're not supposed to be doing.

And today, Kenny has to make a presentation at work all about himself (to co-workers and residents).  He was so excited this morning when he headed off to work, gathering a hand full of photos of us and his 'Facts About Me' sheet.  I felt like I was sending him off to his first day of kindergarten.  This kindergartner is especially tall, drinks coffee and curses in casual conversation without realizing it.

I'm seriously considering pulling out a bunch of yuck-clothes for everybody so that when the kids get home from school, we can go muddy-puddle-jumping.  I suppose it depends on the temperature, but it sure does sound fun.

Bloody Paint.

I haven't cried in four days now.  I wouldn't dare say that I'm "all better" as I now know how this dirty little thing called 'grief' can sneak up on me at any unsuspecting moment.  I am now always suspecting.  But I feel different now.  It's like I drew in a very large breath of bad air, held it for as long as I could and then exhaled.  I took one big step forward and decided that this is it...this is our new normal.  This is us now and we're not only gonna be okay, but we're better people for it.  We are fully aware of the fragility of life and we live accordingly.  We've always been pretty good at life but now everything seems more important.  Checking the mail is no longer just that; it's a walk and a talk with my sweet little girl.  Running to the store 'real quick' is a chance to sit Kyler on my lap and let him navigate the gravel roads.  Do you know how happy that makes a kid?  Just letting them steer the vehicle?  It may be a better cure-all even than tickle-torture.  Also, it frees up my hands for texting.  KIDDING.  I don't even have a cell phone, remember?

I have this constant need to create something; draw or color or paint or build...it doesn't matter as long as I'm doing something.  Yesterday, I chose red paint and turned up the radio out in the garage.  I had myself a pretty good time, immediately followed by Kenny asking me to run to the grocery store.  Another new thing: I mostly don't care at all what I look like when I leave the house.  I try to, for the kids' sake, but I usually leave the house without so much as looking into a mirror and I don't even realize it.  And that's exactly what happened yesterday.  

So, I headed to the store with a list in my hand and a notion that I would get through this as quickly as possible.  Immediately, I saw a family that I know and I'm still avoiding people for absolutely no reason, so I quickly turned my cart and ended up in the fabrics section of the store.  This was good, because it reminded me that Mae needed more fabric and pins for her never-ending sewing projects.  Next, I headed for the grocery section of the store and just couldn't help but notice the looks people were giving me.  One woman was looking at my hands and that's when I noticed them myself.  In my rush, I had not even thought to wash them.  They were all but covered in red paint, except it looked much less like red paint and much more like blood.  Oops.  I went straight to the restroom and washed them.  As I looked into the giant mirror in front of me, I saw that there was also red paint splattered across my face.  I suppose that maybe I should make mirrors more of a priority so as not to scare innocent bystanders.  Noted.

Today, the weather remains gloomy but my mood refuses to falter.  I feel horrible for all of those injured in the Boston Marathon yesterday, but for my own sanity's sake, I will be leaving the television off today and turning the music up.  

No smoking buttholes...and she means it!

Another weekend has passed and here we sit at Monday again.  We had a pretty relaxing weekend, not straying too far from home.  Mae stayed at a friend's house on Saturday night and I just couldn't help snapping a photo of her packing for the event.  Keep in mind, this was for ONE night.  You should see how she packs when she's going somewhere for an entire week!

And believe it or not, she did get that suitcase zipped and was even able to stuff five more stuffed animals into the front pockets.  At the very least, my girl is always comfy no matter where she goes.

And since I shared a photo of Mae, here is one of Kyler, ready for his very first baseball practice of the season (also Saturday):



That's about as excited as Kyler ever looks about anything. 

On Sunday, Mae went roller skating with her friend so Kenny and I took the opportunity to sneak out of the house to give Kyler some attention.  He wanted to see 'The Croods' so we headed to the movie theater.  It was pretty good.  Kyler and I immediately decided that The Crood family was very much like The Bigley family.  And as we were laughing about it, I looked over to Kenny, who was sitting in the corner playing poker on the phone.  One look told him that he was doing something inappropriate, so he quickly powered down the phone and paid attention to the movie.

As the day ended (and weekend for that matter), I announced that I was going to my room to read.  Of course, this prompted both kids to grab an armful of books, their favorite blankies and thirty-five pillows each and nearly plow me down as they raced to my bedroom.  They both looked pretty comfy, sprawled across the bed and deciding which book to read first.  I found a small sliver of bed to climb onto and opened my own book up.  Within five minutes, as happens nearly every single night, Mae was fast asleep.  After so long of reading, Kyler looked quite alarmed and said, "Mom!  It's 9:06!!  Why didn't you tell me?!"  Kyler is very punctual when it comes to bedtime.  I told him I hadn't noticed the time and he quickly forehead-kissed me and said, "Well, I've GOT to get to bed!"  And off he went.

And now for the blog-post-finale.  Mae made this sign for Kenny and taped it to the back doors:

Of course, this prompted a short conversation about when it's appropriate to use a comma.  See, the kids' pet name for Kenny is 'Butthole.'  I'm not even sure when this began, but I think it was shortly after we told them that Kenny is not 'Mom' and I am not 'Dad'.  (They had us confused for the first couple years of their lives).  Anyway, when Mae realized her mistake, she laughed hysterically and then decided that she liked the sign better this way.  She happily announced that she would not be making any changes to it.  I'm proud to say that since this sign has been posted, not a single butthole has been smoked in, near or around our house.  We also now take great joy in telling visitors that we do not smoke buttholes at our house and if they feel it so necessary to do so, we will have to ask them to leave. 

Follow-up conclusion: my doctor says I'm not crazy. Good to know.

This morning, I had my three-week follow-up appointment with my doctor.  I can't believe it's been three weeks since we lost our baby.  The short time we spent with him in the hospital seems like it just happened yesterday, yet all of the stuff that happened afterward...all of the great people that showed up unexpectedly to bring us fully-cooked meals, all of the cards that overflowed our mailbox, all of the flowers delivered to our door, all of the people that called just to cry with me over the telephone, all of the people that showed up to help us dig and plant a beautiful garden for our equally beautiful boy...I can't believe that all of that has happened in just three weeks.  

The follow-up appointment was more of a mental health check.  My doctor just wanted to get me into a small exam room, give me a hug, look me square in the eye and watch to see if I'd cry.  I did.  She then told me, "I'd be worried if you weren't crying."  I suppose I would, too.  She then offered me sleeping pills, antidepressants and birth control, all of which I declined.  I told her what I wrote here the other day:  I'm just diving right in and dealing with it.  There are no overpasses here; not even a gas pedal.  I left the office and cried the whole drive home.  This probably wasn't safe, but everybody that was outdoors walking their pets or jogging just looked way too incredibly happy for my mood.  I kept thinking of this poem that I'd thought I'd heard before but just couldn't remember if it was a dream or even something I just made up in my head.  Thanks to the power of Google, here it is....this exactly fits me right now...er, tomorrow.

Yesterday I Cried

I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes,
unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over
the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of
soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired,
or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored,
disrespected, and
disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me
in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that
had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away,
to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does
come a time when the only thing left
for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get
left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.

I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy
who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there
for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that
caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there,
the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday,
and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.
-Iyanla Vanzant

It sure does help to get it all out like that, you know?  I could spend all day moping around the house and just letting a few tears out here and there, OR, I could just sit on my bed and cry like a two-year old.  They really do know what they're doing when they throw those tantrums.  If you watch a toddler cry like that, you'll notice that shortly after, they'll be happily playing with their toys or begging for a snack.  It's not because they have wild mood swings...it's because they were angry or sad and they simply dealt with it all at once by throwing themselves onto the floor, followed by kicking and screaming.  So that's how I'm going to deal with my feelings from here on out because it seems to be working.  I feel good now.  I will spend the rest of the day in an upbeat mood and I will not cry anymore because I got that out of the way and now it's time to laugh.  I hope this post didn't depress anybody.  I just felt like documenting my up and down feelings because I am still in shock at how  many people have emailed me after reading my 'We Now Have an Angel' blog to tell me that they, too, lost dear babies and that the way I wrote out my emotions was so right-on.  This is not something you get over in a week or three or ever but the pain does dull.  I am hurt just as badly today as I was three weeks ago, but I am slightly less sad.

Today, I left the house.

I find it ironic that in a previous blog post, I named nature as a great healing force and then a few days after that, the weather decided to be cruel, thus sending my emotions into an unexpected downward spiral.  So I now  must ask that you let me reverbalize that one sentence I wrote about nature being a powerful healing force.  Here's what I really meant:  Nature is a very powerful healing force when it wants to be.  And right now, it just doesn't want to be.  But I've found something way more reliable (take that, nature!! [fists in air]): EXERCISE.  I hopped back onto the treadmill last week for my first run in months.  It hurt and made me want to cry...but I continued, day by day, one foot in front of the other.  Yesterday, I decided that I would not let the weather send me into another oblivion of sadness, so I got back on the treadmill (but more slowly and with less dedication than I was sporting last week).  I told myself to run five minutes, walk three, run five, walk three...and so on.  Except when I got through the first five minutes, I just couldn't stop.  Instead, I wanted to go faster.  So I did.  After twenty-five minutes, I was exhausted in such a way that my mind was completely cleared and I felt like I could finally see straight and breathe normally.  In other words:  that was AWESOME.  I shall do that every day now.  Or at least mostly every day.

Today was a whirlwind of a day.  I woke up with only one thing on my mind:  Top Secret Mission.  Yeah, again.  Except this one, I don't know if I'll ever tell you about.  Maybe.  What I can tell you is that said mission landed me in Middle of Nowhere, Iowa.  Everything in this strange, never-ending country was slower.  The cows, the people, the cars, everything!  I began to worry that I would be kidnapped or murdered, but then I decided nah, they'd have to catch me first.  After a total of one hour, my mission was accomplished so I headed home.  I called Kenny from Mae's phone (because my eight-year old daughter has a cellular phone but I don't) to tell him that this place was weird and slow and scary and might I be dreaming?  He told me to just get home and he would hug me later.  

And Kenny...of course, you know I have to write something funny about him because that's what I do.  I notice that he's been talking to himself lately.  Or not really himself, but parts of his body.  Yesterday, he tripped over nothing while walking out of our bedroom.  He then stopped, looked down at his feet and asked, "Where do you think you're going?"  Later on in the day, he passed gas, quickly looked behind him and said, "I don't even know what you're talking about!"  Both times, he had no idea that I was nearby so he wasn't doing it to purposely make me laugh.  But that's all I can do and sometimes I even applaud at the realization that I have somehow managed to find somebody in this world that is just as strangely weird as me.

The weather brings me down; the kids pull me up.

Yesterday's glum weather put me in an equally glum mood.  I did way too much thinking and a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself.  I guess this is grief.  But I've gotta dive right into it because I'm pretty sure there's no way around it.  I also know that I could just put it in my pocket for another rainy day, but why?  I prefer to deal with this now instead of stumbling upon it later and falling into an abyss of depression.  So that's that. 

When I picked the kids up from the bus stop, they could tell that I'd been crying (despite the big, fake smile I put on).  They're so good at responding to my moods.  They were quiet for a while, then Mae disappeared into her bedroom.  After the appropriate amount of time had passed, she came out with a ponytail right above her forehead and claimed she was a unicorn.  She trotted around the room until I couldn't help but laugh.  She said, "I knew that'd make you laugh, because everybody at school laughed when I did it at Reading."  I shuddered at the thought of her running around her classroom, acting like a crazy unicorn and I couldn't help but ask, "Oh, Mae, please tell me that at least your teacher didn't see you?"  She replied, "Yeah...she thought it was hilarious!"  So it looks like the clown of the third grade class resides in my very own home. 

Next, Mae brought me a sketch book and a pencil and told me to draw her a picture.  So we drew together, then colored, then began her next sewing project.  When Kenny got home, we pigged out on tacos and watched a movie that sent us all to sleep.  Kenny and I were both awakened multiple times in the night by the thunder, but as usual, Kyler and Mae slept right on through it.   

Today, I'm feeling much better, though I see that the weather didn't follow my lead.  I suppose it's a good day to read a book.  Or rearrange the house.  I kind of want to move everybody's rooms around just to see what they say when they get home.  I'm not sure that I'm feeling quite that adventurous today, but I'm definitely gonna let that sit in the back of my mind for a good while.

Don't be scurred...just dance.

We had yet another weekend where we found ourselves somehow surrounded by great friends and family.  We are just so, so lucky.  This is exactly what we need right now.  People that aren't as close to us seem mostly afraid of us.  I now find myself avoiding people at the grocery store...like seriously, turning my cart and pretending I don't see them...just because I know how awkward these situations are.  Nobody knows what to say, so they quickly say, "Sorry..." and then get as far away from me as possible.  But this isn't everybody and it's also not what I'd like to focus on.  There have been many people that just come right up and hug me and some of them even cry.  Oddly enough, that's less awkward than the first situation because it's not followed by them running away from me.  If you don't know what to say, it's okay.  Laugh for no reason, dance the macarena, do cartwheels...all of these things would make me quite happy.  I'll even laugh and dance and cartwheel through the aisles of Wal Mart with you.  Really.

Kyler and Mae continue to be nothing less than amazing.  They have both joined 4H and are happily focusing on projects to enter into the local fair.  Mae has already taken quite well to sewing and she seems to think that we will be purchasing rabbits soon.  And don't tell her, but we just might.  Taking into consideration that she first requested horses, then cows, then goats...her final request of rabbits seemed way more doable.  And writing it out now, I'm wondering if this was her plan all along...think small, request big.  She may just have us figured out.  And we may just love her enough to let her get away with it.

Yesterday after school, the kids got all ready for swim lessons.  We drove to town and I dropped them and Kenny off at the YMCA, then I headed to the grocery store.  When I pulled back into the Y parking lot forty-five minutes later, I was surprised to see them playing at the playground.  I was even more surprised to see that ALL of the kids on the playground had coordinated a game of tag...and the biggest kid (Kenny) was "it".  I sat and watched as all of these kids screamed and ran wild with Kenny right on their heels, letting them just barely get away from him but also making them work for it.  As it turns out, there were no swim lessons yesterday...but I'm glad it turned out the way it did.  They all had a blast.  And I was pretty proud of Kenny for letting the kids get away from him, thus giving them a nice boost of confidence.  He did NOT have such sympathy for me when we were playing tether ball two days ago.  I still have sore arms and two swollen fingers to prove it!

And since the sky is dark and rainy, today's plans include: catching up on housework.  Yaaaay.  This is why I'm sitting here avoiding typing.  But I do enjoy a rainy day...especially after seeing how dry our creek is.  Let it pour!

Think before speaking...I just can't seem to do that.

Since we've moved here, I've loved it.  But since we lost our baby boy, I've grown even fonder of our location.  I have all of this space to explore and now that I have time off of work, I've been doing just that.  It's true that I've run through our wooded area many times before, just for exercise, but I've hardly ever slowed down and just enjoyed it.  Right now, since bug season hasn't fully hit, I can still climb onto the fallen tree and hang my feet over the creek.  I feel like I'm eight years old again.  Nature may just be one of the biggest healing forces, did you know?

My other most powerful healing force:  my children and my husband.  They can still bring me to tears caused by laughter about eighty times each day.  Kenny fell off of the bed yesterday morning while trying to hit the snooze button and I didn't laugh right away, just in case he was hurt, but when his head popped back up over the bed and he had a big old goofy smile on his face, I knew I was allowed as much laughter as I wanted. 

Two nights ago, we decided to meet Kenny in Lincoln to eat out when he got off of work.  After eating, Mae opted to ride home with Kenny while Kyler hopped into the passenger side of the Jeep.  There was a lady at the restaurant handing out balloon animals and Kyler had asked for a dinosaur, so of course, that's all he wanted to talk about the whole way home: dinosaurs.  He was giving me all sorts of facts that I will never remember and going on and on...and he mentioned something about how big a certain baby dinosaur was...and then I said one of the dumbest things ever.  I do this a lot.  A thought popped into my head that instantly made me laugh and before researching it in my brain, I said out loud, "I bet dinosaurs looked hilarious when they were pregnant!"  Kyler stared at me for a very long time with a look of disappointment on his face.  Of course, I kept going on about how these dinosaurs must have walked around with their bellies dragging on the ground and I wondered if they had heartburn or horrible gas and ..."Why are you looking at me like that?"  Kyler drew in a deep breath, let it out and said, "Mom, dinosaurs laid EGGS."  I shut up then and we drove in silence for about two miles before I opened my mouth again to say, "I knew that dinosaurs laid eggs, I just..." and Kyler interrupted me to say, "I KNOW, you just didn't think before you spoke."  Yep, that pretty much sums it up. 

The wrestling season is officially over and I am so ready for baseball/softball season to begin.  I know this sport well enough that I can practice with the kids without getting brutally injured.  And I can usually answer any questions they have about the game.  And it makes me feel important when the kids tell me how impressed they are that I can catch a ball.  And throw it.  And sometimes, even hit it with a bat.  And that's a whole lot of sentences that begin with 'And.'  All of my past english teachers are most certainly cringing their eyebrows right now.

This concludes my Thursday post.  The sun is up and the weather will be beautiful today, so I'm gonna go cruise around Pinterest and find something to create today.  I hope this day finds everybody well.

The garage is clean...but I can't find the driveway.

When my doctor released me from the hospital, she told me not to "overdo it," but I'm pretty sure I have every single day since then.  There is just so much to get done.  I don't know how people can just sit on the couch all day and watch television.  After the morning news, I've gotta get something done...anything.  My house is about as clean as it can get so today, I headed out to the garage.  I'm thinking I shouldn't have.  A few short hours ago, you couldn't fit a car, let alone one more bicycle into our garage.  Now, there's enough room for two cars, I've taken one load to the dump and have another ready to go, and there are large piles of stuff sitting all around our driveway.  This is how I 'organize'.  I spread everything out so I can see what I'm dealing with...then I decide I'm exhausted and I just leave it there until somebody comes over and sees my mess and I get embarrassed.  So that's where I'm at right now.  

Here's the good news:  I've found at least thirty screwdrivers.  We can never find one when we need one.  Here's the bad news:  I've found an equal amount of dead mice.  And they're not just laying around in plain sight.  That would not cause me a mini-stroke.  They are only in dark places where I reach my hands...or in drawers that I pull out.  After probably my fourth mouse-finding scream, I looked down the driveway to see my neighbor peeking his head out of his fence.  I was less embarrassed about the screams than I was about the very loud singing I'd been doing.  I forget that I have neighbors and that they might be able to hear me sometimes.  This does explain, though, why none of them ever pay me a friendly visit or even wave at me when we pass each other on the road.  Their loss.  What I lack in vocals, I make up for in awesomeness.  Or at least that's what my dog tells me (with her eyes).

I suppose I better force myself back outside before I get too comfy on this couch.  If you happen to be out this way, please stop by and notice my mess and give me a look of disappointment.  It would give me the kind of motivation that I'm needing to finish this job that I'm already regretting starting.  

Jakobi's Garden

The Easter weekend was nothing short of fulfilling and my heart is happy.  I love it when our house is full of people and food and laughter.  Kenny said he wished Jakobi was here so he could see how many people love him and I said, "He IS."  I swear I can feel him almost everywhere I go...

After eating a whole lot of yummy food, we released the eager children into the back yard for the egg hunt.  It was so funny to see them run like there was no tomorrow, panic in their eyes at the thought that there just wasn't enough candy for everybody...only one gallon each!  And I loved that two-year old Emma helped me hide the candy, with each egg or bag saying, "I find that later..." and then she went to a completely different spot in the yard when the hunt was on and didn't find any of the candy she helped me hide!  

After the candy was all picked up, the kids retrieved to the house to induce themselves into sugar comas while most of the adults headed to the garden.  I was worried that this was going to be mopey and sad and that's not what I wanted at all.  Though Jakobi was born at rest, he has still brought so many people together and somehow has caused so much happiness that it is awe-inspiring.  I wanted this to be the same.  And it was.  It was exactly everything that I hoped it would be.  Lots of friends and family gathered in the square that Mae and I had outlined the day before with bricks.  Hand spades were passed around and everybody took turns planting bulbs, playing practical jokes on each other and laughing and loving.  

After everybody left and the house got quiet, I headed back out to the garden.  I sat on the bench right next to it and really have never felt so peaceful.  Of course, the sixty-degree weather and warm sun beating down on my face may have helped.  I took some pictures and just can't wait for the garden to bloom.

Before bedtime, I took a nice bubble bath. Right next to my arm, formed in bubbles, was a perfect smiley face.  As the water rippled, the smiley face stretched and the mouth turned into a perfect heart.  This is about the hundredth 'sign' that I've seen in the past ten days.  Maybe all of this stuff happened before and I never noticed it...but I'm pretty sure it didn't.