Bloody Paint.

I haven't cried in four days now.  I wouldn't dare say that I'm "all better" as I now know how this dirty little thing called 'grief' can sneak up on me at any unsuspecting moment.  I am now always suspecting.  But I feel different now.  It's like I drew in a very large breath of bad air, held it for as long as I could and then exhaled.  I took one big step forward and decided that this is it...this is our new normal.  This is us now and we're not only gonna be okay, but we're better people for it.  We are fully aware of the fragility of life and we live accordingly.  We've always been pretty good at life but now everything seems more important.  Checking the mail is no longer just that; it's a walk and a talk with my sweet little girl.  Running to the store 'real quick' is a chance to sit Kyler on my lap and let him navigate the gravel roads.  Do you know how happy that makes a kid?  Just letting them steer the vehicle?  It may be a better cure-all even than tickle-torture.  Also, it frees up my hands for texting.  KIDDING.  I don't even have a cell phone, remember?

I have this constant need to create something; draw or color or paint or build...it doesn't matter as long as I'm doing something.  Yesterday, I chose red paint and turned up the radio out in the garage.  I had myself a pretty good time, immediately followed by Kenny asking me to run to the grocery store.  Another new thing: I mostly don't care at all what I look like when I leave the house.  I try to, for the kids' sake, but I usually leave the house without so much as looking into a mirror and I don't even realize it.  And that's exactly what happened yesterday.  

So, I headed to the store with a list in my hand and a notion that I would get through this as quickly as possible.  Immediately, I saw a family that I know and I'm still avoiding people for absolutely no reason, so I quickly turned my cart and ended up in the fabrics section of the store.  This was good, because it reminded me that Mae needed more fabric and pins for her never-ending sewing projects.  Next, I headed for the grocery section of the store and just couldn't help but notice the looks people were giving me.  One woman was looking at my hands and that's when I noticed them myself.  In my rush, I had not even thought to wash them.  They were all but covered in red paint, except it looked much less like red paint and much more like blood.  Oops.  I went straight to the restroom and washed them.  As I looked into the giant mirror in front of me, I saw that there was also red paint splattered across my face.  I suppose that maybe I should make mirrors more of a priority so as not to scare innocent bystanders.  Noted.

Today, the weather remains gloomy but my mood refuses to falter.  I feel horrible for all of those injured in the Boston Marathon yesterday, but for my own sanity's sake, I will be leaving the television off today and turning the music up.